Coping with Rejection
Rejection is a Guaran-God-Damn-Teed part of life. You just can't avoid it. That is the point where you begin to download spiral to a lower level of self-esteem, or at lease, not be enabled to hold your own. Or not make the progress toward greater self-esteem that you want.
You have to learn how to detect that point where you may lose your equilibrium. Then pull yourself up short. Unless you do want to become a hermit, it is helpful to learn more about the heartbreaking phenomenon of rejection, how you presently attempt to cope and what all this mean for increasing your self-esteem.
Do you expect Rejection?
If you seem to experience rejection more than others, it may be because your behavior invites it.
A story about Michelle: *not a true story*
Michelle, a lovely girl in her early twenties, continually gripes about the way men relate to her.
"I try everything to make my lovers relaxed. But they always seem to leave me...I was just recently enchanted by a perfect guy. Whenever he called I did my best to please him. All went well for months. Then, subtle sign appeared. He became late for dates. Then he canceled. Finally, he did not even show up. I was so hurt that I really liked him and did not want to be demanding. But the more giving I seemed to be, the worse he seemed to treat me. He didn't even call me for two weeks. When I got to see him, I burst out in tears. He vowed there was no one else, he liked me very much, and that I was too good for him. I became graspingly dependent, and he became more indifferent."
"One awful August was the end. He invited me to sail along with him on Lake Michigan. When I called to where we would meet, he wasn't home. All Friday and Saturday I kept phoning. First, a busy signal then no answer. I was angry and anxious to see him. I taxied over to his condo. Just as the cab pulled around the corner, he was leaving with a stunning redhead. I knew they had just spend the night together. I hoped to become invisible. He saw me and came over. "You told me there was no one else," I sobbed hysterically. He vowed again it was true and he just met her last evening in a party. At home, I fell apart again. The tragedy is all my affairs end in the same way."
Michelle had fallen into a pattern. Psychologists have long know about rejection-prone personalities. People with low self-esteem tend to view themselves as losers. They ask for rejection because of their overly meek demeanor. They almost seem to be saying by their behavior, "See how sweet and nice I am and how rotten you are," When the other person begin to behave in the projected role, almost like a self-fulfilling prophecy, the first person can always feel justified: "I told you so."
By assaulting others, these people hope to protect themselves. It's almost as if they want to risk rejection by hostility rather than by being too agreeable. Their manners are poor. They appear offensive to all types. They want to avoid closeness by warding others off. Your self-concept can lead you to do one of the above like Michelle whom never had a normal level of self-esteem, nor know how to raise it.
Fear of Rejection Can Conceal Fear of Success
You would be amazed how many people fear success. The reason is clear. When you achieve success you are supposed to be an adult, independent, and in charge of your life.
How Rejection Lowers Self-Esteem
Whether rejection just happens, or you actively seek it out, your self-concept will surely suffer, unless it is very strong. Even people with strong validly high levels of self-esteem do not enjoy being rejected.
Let Your Fears Help You Grow
Pain need not to be negative. It can be viewed as a warning. Remember that anyone who loves or seeks love must risk rejection. Because you don't want your love ones to reject you, you become overly cautious in dealing with them. You forget that you have to earn love. It is not handed to you on a silver platter. So you need to learn how to become more understanding and accepting of others. Fear of rejection, then, can have positive aspects as long as you do not let yourself become paralyzed by it.
First Aid for Rejection
The secret is to face your feelings immediately, own them, and literally confront them. Do not try to escape or bottle up your pain in little suppression/repression pills. You will be able to get over these feelings of being spurned or hurt once you fully experience them.
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