This is a guest post from Dr. Asian Rake. He’s a dating consultant and a full-time professor at a top research university. Currently based in Singapore, he guides select clients to improve their lifestyles. To learn more about him and his services and products, visit www.asianrake.com.
A friend sent in a question to my newsletter about dating and approaching women within one’s social circle, so I wanted to shed some light on it.
What can people do to get better with women when they are in college or high school, or in any social circle setting like the workplace? Asian social circles are pretty tight. You never seem more than a few degrees of separation from other Asians in your age group. How are we supposed to practice approaching and attracting women when we can’t afford to take chances? You can’t exactly go around trying to get every girl in bed without social repercussions, especially if you’re just starting out as a newbie.
Thanks in advance,
Great question, Ryan!
This is a very common situation in Asian societies, including Asian-American communities. Because of the cultural emphasis on family and kinship ties, almost every social grouping is thought of using the metaphor of family. Even though they aren’t our blood relatives, we call our mom’s friends, “Aunt so-and-so,” and our dad’s friends, “Uncle so-and-so.” That sure confused a lot of my non-Asian friends in the US and Canada. In Singapore, where I now live, young people routinely address men over 40 as “uncle” and women over 40 as “auntie.”
In Toronto, it was quite common to meet a new Asian friend and add them on Facebook only to find we’ve already got 15 mutual friends. In Singapore, I routinely meet new people who turn out to have over 70 Facebook friends in common with me. How is it that I hadn’t met them yet in my 3 years here?!
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So I totally understand your hesitation in taking risks. You’re probably thinking it’s a good thing you didn’t take any risks trying to make out with “that girl” because it turned out you have 15 mutual friends, and you didn’t even know it yet.
So how do you get a girl into bed with you, or on a date with you if you can’t even try anything risky? I mean, isn’t taking risks is the way to improve your game?
1. Play Low Risk Game by Being the Social Man
The number one strategy here is to transform yourself into the “social guy.” I’m assuming you usually keep to yourself or only talk to people you already know; guys who are naturally social usually have no problems meeting new women.
Why does it help to be “the social man”? If you were the naturally social guy, then you’d be starting up conversations with lots of different people, not just cute girls. That way, others wouldn’t think you’re “hitting on” cute girls when you do start conversations with them. Instead, they’ll think that you’re just being you. It’s not creepy. It’s being friendly.
“Oh, that’s just Ryan. He’s like that with everybody.”
Strive to be the friendly, gregarious guy. For example, when you’re waiting in line at the Starbucks, ask the older ladies (“the aunties”) in front of you if they could recommend a new drink. When you’re in the elevator, ask the dudes if they saw the game last night. When you’re at the bar, ask the male bartender who the
best tippers are or when the best nights are. You get the picture.
After you’ve been doing this consistently for a few months, no one-including your social circle-will think it out of the ordinary when, for example, you strike up a conversation with the cute girls at the grocery store.
Of course, you don’t want to fake interest. You might have to at the start, though, especially if you’re not the talkative type.
But ideally, you want to get to the point where you are sincere and genuine. You really do want to know what those guys thought of the game, or who the best tippers are, or how all those other strange-sounding Starbucks drinks actually taste.
This means that you’ll have to broaden your interests. You shouldn’t be turning yourself into a “social man” just to get girls. That might be one of your aims, but it shouldn’t be your only or ultimate goal.
Become curious about new things. Explore the world. Learn about other cultures. Try to find out why people would be interested in stuff that doesn’t seem appealing to you at first. How will you ever know whether hockey is your favorite sport if you never try it?
Take an interest in other people’s interests, not just in getting girls into bed.
2. Use the Power Position so it Looks Like She’s Hitting on You, Not the Other Way Around
In terms of techniques, you can also “play it safe” and preserve your social value by positioning yourself in the power position.
Girls like guys that other girls like.
It’s attractive when girls are trying to flirt with you. It’s not so attractive when you are trying to flirt with other girls. So the best position to be in is the guy that girls are trying to hit on, not the guy who is hitting on the girls.
Move into the power position as early as possible so that your body language makes it look like you’re the one getting hit on.
The general principle is that whoever is in the more comfortable position has higher social value.
Thus, it’s better to be leaning against something-the wall, the bar, or the table-while talking to somebody who is not leaning against anything. It’s better to be seated while the other person is standing. It’s better to be on the inside of a booth than on the outside. It’s also perfectly fine if you’re both comfortable and
in power positions. Just try not to be the one who is less comfortable.
When in conversation, one of the most attractive positions a guy could be in is to be facing forward while the girl who is talking to him is perpendicular to him, facing him directly full-on, leaning in, and talking his ear off. When people see that, they generally think that she is a lot more into him and the conversation. He
not only preserves his social value, he increases it tenfold.
If you’re consistently in the power position, no one will think you’re hitting on anybody even if you are.
3. Align Yourself with the Most Popular Girls and Guys and Become Close with Them
In a social circle, popularity is power. If you’re at the top of the power food chain and you’re hanging out with the hottest guys and the hottest girls, it becomes easy. The girls will generally WANT to hook you up with their friends, and the guys are always down to introduce you to theirs as well. Obviously this also means you have to be an attractive guy to begin with, and I don’t just mean with looks. You have to have your shit together and be an attractive guy that other girls would want to introduce you to.
When you’re literally the most popular guy in the group, almost a celebrity, you’ll have girls flocking to you instead of you desperately trying to get into girls’ pants.
4. Go Where Nobody Knows Your Name
Your last resort is to go clubbing in the next town over, LOL.
Well, I’m only half-kidding. For about four years, I had to move to a new country every six months for work. This helped me a lot by wiping my social slate clean each time and by forcing me to build up a new social circle from scratch very quickly. You can take a lot of social risks this way, and you get a lot of second chances. But not everybody has the freedom to do this.
But go out to different areas and refine your game before you start trying to hit on women in your immediate social circle. This is especially true if you intend on hitting on MANY women at the same time, at the same club. Furthermore, if you’re going to expand your game so that you’re doing riskier behaviors, then you must know how to execute these maneuvers at the right time. Thus, you’re going to be messing up a lot. It’s much better to mess up with a girl you’ll never see again vs. a girl you’re going to see over and over again.
So if you want to develop your skills in approaching and attracting women, become the social guy and consistently move into the power position. Or, travel a lot.
Asian Rake David
Remember to check out David’s blog at AsianRake.com.
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