This is every Asian kid’s nightmare come true. No we don’t mean failing your SATS, we mean a chopstick lodged in your brain! If you have the testicular fortitude, read on to find out more.
Many of our readers are sure to have grown up using two thin pieces of wood our parents
tricked taught us into thinking were eating utensils. Sure forks and almost accident proof spoons were available but why break tradition?
And we are sure that like us, many of our readers didn’t mind at all using chopsticks until an older sibling or terrible “friend” figured out they could weaponize these rather benign eating instruments into make shift shurikens, escrima sticks, and various implements of sadistic entertainment.
That being said growing up I was always terrified of having an orifice like an eye poked out or nostril jammed with a wooden stick meant for eating. Unfortunately this day eventually happened when my
idiotic responsible older sister JAMMED a chopstick into my ear in an attempt at playing amateur Otolaryngologist. (Ear, nose and throat specialist for our undergrad readers.)
Anyway after an embarrassing trip to the Emergency Room with my enraged yet horrified mother, the Caucasian doctor on staff told us this was one of the most uncommon things he had seen in his many years of practice. Sure he had seen objects lodged in random orifices but a chopstick? Never. Well fuck you doctor for making me and my mom feel like awkward Asians because in 2015 it has happened again!
A 20 month toddler named Hang Hang from Liaoning Province in China recently found a 2.5 inch long piece of chopstick stuck in his BRAIN!
Reportedly Hang Hang had the utensil lodged in his brain when he began running around the house with a chopstick in hand. At some point Hang Hang tripped, fell, and somehow managed to jam the chopstick into his NOSE while causing Asian mothers from around the world to let out a “I told you so!” about the perils of chopstick track and field.
After Hang Hang’s parents removed what they thought was all of the chopstick, they brought the toddler to the doctors where they told them he would be fine and could return home. Unfortunately for Hang Hang this was not the case, a few days later when Hang Hang fell ill and began vomiting he was rushed back to the hospital where he had minor invasive surgery to remove pus lodged in his system. Hang Hang again seemed fine for awhile, but again received the shorter end of the stick. (OMG we apologize, we know we are talking about a baby here, but we just couldn’t control ourselves.)
Soon Hang Hang would fall into a coma during which doctors finally decided to perform an X-Ray and found that there was a broken piece of chopstick still stick in his brain! Now we are no medical professionals but it seems like the prudent thing to have done was take a FUCKING X-RAY the first time when it comes to a toddler having a chopstick rammed up his nose. But hey who are we to judge the years of
malpractice training the Middle Kingdom’s finest medical professionals go through?
The story does end with a bittersweet ending. For Hang Hang the doctors were finally able to remove the 2.5 piece of wood causing him to vomit and fall into a coma. He has since awakened from his coma, but doctors are unsure what if any lingering effects such damage may cause him in the future. All joking aside we do wish Hang Hang and his family all the best.Good luck buddy we wish you a safe and a speedy recovery!
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