Editor’s Notes: Before you read, know the terminology.
Emotional Cum Dumpster (also can be interchanged with Emotional Fellationship or Copping Feels): a chump who listens to a multitude of emotional problems of women that has no romantic interest in him, whether these problems are arbitrary, trivial or about her current romantic partner.
Intern Boyfriend: A chump who does all the work of a boyfriend and boyfriendly duties such as driving her around places, buying her meals, listening to her emotional problems, etc, but with no pay or benefits aka sex.
Boyfriend resume: A track record of the current/ past women you’ve interned for, listing many useful skills for the next hopefully career opportunity such as “good listening skills”, “goal oriented”, “transportation and food service”.
Why You Might Be An Intern Boyfriend And How to Fix It.
By Woo-Tang Mangchi
You’re friends with a cute girl that you’ve been crushing on forever. And you’ve sat around at 3am and served as her emotional cum dumpster, drove her 3 hours away to her other friend’s house named Chad, and even cooked a 5 layer lasagna beforehand for her and Chad to enjoy once she was dropped off. Then when the time comes you confess your feelings to her in confidence, and in an unforeseen turn of events, you are “friend-zoned”
First and foremost I don’t like the term “Friend-Zone”, and guys who use that may or may not have the mentality of “I’m putting all my nice tokens in her, why isn’t sex coming out”? Much rather, a much better term for this situation is low and behold the “Intern Boyfriend”. Yes, that’s right the title has “boyfriend” in it but not so fast. You’re an INTERN. An intern, the pushed around backbone of the workforce, assumed to do all the normal duties of a said vocation, with often times no pay, aka acknowledgement of being their actual boyfriend and sex. Feel free to use other words that take place of emotional cum dumping such as “emotional fellationship” and “copping feels”.
Where many guys go wrong to begin with is the fact that they fail to consider that their employer, the girl that is of interest, is looking for a specific prospective employee with certain traits and skills that all that are applying may not possess. One that is overlooked is physical appearance. Often times guys who are unknowingly in the intern boyfriend position do not take into account that women have specific sexual preferences that no amount of nice guy gestures can waive. And if you don’t fit the desired traits, then there shouldn’t be any hard feelings on your end.
Another thing that is overlooked is the lack of aggression. Now I’m not talking about pinning her and taking her, because that is illegal if she does not give consent in the United States. Just don’t do that. Just don’t. Which in any case if you’re still on this, she probably hasn’t. What I am talking about is, benign sexuality. It is where if the topic of fucking comes across and it is taboo. When the topic of sex or even hinting at the idea of sex comes up with her, it makes the air of conversation awkward. Now there are some dudes, who take the opportunity to mention it every time. They try make the conversation light and in a joking manner; where the employer will not take the comments seriously, much like their attempts at crossing the threshold. Face it, your other friends think you’re funny, she thinks you’re funny in a “wow – you’re so edgy” kind of way, but not in a “wow, he’s so funny and interesting that I want to spend time and sleep with him” kind of way.
The next one you may find the employer as the worlds most intriguing person in the world, however she may not think the same way of you. And although I’m all for self love, something is wrong if you think your amateur League of Legends team makes you the most interesting person on the planet. That’s not up to you. You cannot dictate to her on how interesting you are. Another thing that people tend to forget is that you are not the dude in the Dos Equis commercials. Even if you do know that you’re not that interesting because you haven’t traveled the world, gone to school, have an amazing job, or even be a cunning linguist – if she doesn’t think you’re that interesting you are dead in the water, it is up to her. And even if you have accomplished a ton of things and you are that short Irish dude, Mr. Dos Equis, in the Mexican beer commercials, it is still up to her.
Now we are not denying that there are some dudes who have seen the promise land and made the jump, also known as got the job and they start immediately. It does happen, but does not happen frequently. And really the only way that you can make this jump and have that you have to be upfront.
Being direct in the way that you feel, and take the necessary actions to get out of that position you have to let the woman know that you are romantically interested early on, and that is the point of what you are trying to pursue. Now I don’t mean “I like you, can I fuck?”, I mean “I’d like to take you out on a date, dinner and wine, would you be interested?”. Otherwise, while she categorizes you as a friend who just happens to be really nice, you can’t count on the little voice in her head may be poking that “hey he might want to be more than friends”.
Now that may sound intimidating at first, but it’s like applying for a job; you don’t know and you may get rejected – and that’s fine. Now what do you do if you do apply and it didn’t go how you want it. It can go 2 ways. The first one is just completely cut off. Why is that? For the most part, the women you fall into these pits, as the intern, they are using you. May it be consciously or unconsciously it doesn’t matter it wont go any further than that. At the end of this, you’re just going to end up being scorned and eventually back away. To save you the heart ache – just back away now.
The 2nd way is how the other dudes made it to the promise land. It is hard, painful, and it takes a long while. If you are planning to go through this endeavor, you have to ask yourself 3 questions. Is it because I’m just lusting over her because she’s really hot? Is it because I’m bored and lonely? And finally is she worth it?
If you can unequivocally answer all these questions to where you can justify staying around then go for it. However the backlash to this may be a lot heavier, since now your friendship will be strained. And quite frankly that’s fine because if you’re planning to get that dream job, you’re going to do anything you can to land it.
Written by Hugh Huynh