Dr. David Tian (aka., The Asian Rake) is a lifestyle and dating consultant and former professor at National University of Singapore. Currently based in Singapore, he helps people worldwide achieve success and happiness in dating and relationships. To learn more about him and his services and products, visit www.asianrake.com.

Question from fan Brian: How do you improve your verbal skills? Some people are just not as gifted with their words as others, especially for us Asian guys who grew up speaking an Asian language at home.

Couldn’t find a good picture, so here’s a hot babe.

Hey Brian,

I totally understand where you’re coming from. Having been born in Taiwan and speaking Chinese exclusively for the first six years of my life and having to speak mainly Chinese to my parents, I wasn’t raised in the best environment for learning fluent English.

As a bilingual child, I would often stutter, use idioms wrongly (“look that over” does NOT mean “overlook,” oops), and speak in disjointed sentences, as I continually searched for that perfect word on the tip of my tongue that never came.

It took conscious effort to improve my verbal skills. But it definitely paid off when it came time to meet the ladies. It really helps when you know just the right words to say.

Having said that however, I hasten to add that verbal content accounts for less than 10% of attraction between people, both men and women. Far more important is body language, eye contact, and vocal tonality. And even more important is your attitude and mindset.

When meeting people from foreign countries with whom you do not share a common language, you can still create a strong spark of attraction by relying on body language, eye contact, and tonality.

So assuming you already have those factors handled, and you’re now wondering how you can improve on that remaining 5-10% of attraction from verbal content, then pay careful attention to the next three tips. 


1. Speak Slower

This tip is deceptively simple. But simply speaking slower can make a huge difference for people who tend to stumble over their words.

If you want to talk as fast as Vince Vaughn in Wedding Crashers, you had better have lightning-quick verbal acuity to match. I’m assuming if you’re reading this that you don’t. So your best policy is… to slow… it… down.

We often talk too fast when we’re nervous or excited, so a big part of this is recognizing the feeling and consciously applying the verbal brakes when our hearts start beating faster.

Reserve the really fast speaking speeds for special effect only.

After I purposely slowed my rate of speaking to about 65% of my previous speaking pace, people started to compliment me on my eloquence even though my word choices hadn’t changed. I just sounded more intelligent because my speech was smoother, and I wasn’t backtracking over my words all the time.

Aim for a slow and steady pace as your default speaking rate.

And use… plenty… of pauses. As with most important skills, it’s counter-intuitive. The more we want people to pay attention, the more we should use… strategic pauses.

For an example of a mesmerizingly sexy speech rate and tonality, listen to the Hungarian gentleman in Kubrick’s Eyes Wide Shut. Search on youtube for “Dancing Scene Eyes Wide Shut” and go to the fourth minute.

For an idea of a good default pace of speech that sounds masculine and confident, check out Barack Obama’s famous speeches during his presidential campaign, especially his 2008 DNC acceptance speech. He makes excellent use of dramatic pauses to capture our attention.

2. Use a Greater Diversity of Words

Increase and diversify your vocabulary. This is especially important for you English-as-a-Second-Language Asian-Americans. Use words that have more zest and energy.

If you find yourself using the same old words over and over again. Reach for your Thesaurus and look up new equivalents. Make sure you look up the real meanings of the new words in a major dictionary too, so you’re aware of the minor differences.

For a few months while preparing for the GRE, I carried around a pocket Oxford dictionary everywhere I went and read it whenever I had time. You’d be amazed at how many new words you can pick up that way. In the end, not only did I get a near-perfect score on the GRE Verbal, I also had a killer vocabulary I could sprinkle liberally in my conversations.

In my grad school days, I forced myself to read a lot of 17th and 18th century English poetry, which, believe it or not, eventually trained me to develop the rhythm that is so crucial to comedic delivery. After a couple months, I improved my vocabulary, and at the same time, increased my sensitivity to the rhythms inherent in the English language.

Remember, you don’t need to use big or long words. Just use words that are less ordinary and more fun!

Here are some examples to get you started.

If you usually say “interested,” try using “enthralled.”

If you usually say “great,” try using “phenomenal.”

If you usually say “excited,” try using “ecstatic.”

If you usually say “weird,” try using “bizarre.”

Instead of “attractive,” say “beautiful,” “gorgeous,” “stunning,” “striking,” “ravishing,” etc.

You get the idea.

3. Stop Self-Censoring and Instead Give Yourself Permission to Say Exaggeratedly Ridiculous Things.

One of the main reasons we mumble and stumble over our words is because we lack confidence in ourselves and our own ideas. We want to edit as we go along, as if we were typing on a word processor and wanted to delete that word choice.

Instead, just embrace your mistakes. Exaggerate them and laugh at yourself: “He entrusted his money to a savings crank (!)… Why yes, a savings crank, not a savings bank. It’s much better to give it to a crank. He’ll invest it a lot more carefully.”

Like a Proustian stream of consciousness, you just let go of your self-conscious, self-censoring side, and train yourself to be free and in the moment. Relax your self-control and just go with the flow.

For an example of someone who is amazing at this, check out Russell Brand’s interviews. His interview of Nerina Pallot is a good case of him playing it up against Pallot’s straight character. This connects to my article here on Humor.

We all have interesting things to say. We just need to abandon our perfectionist tendencies and have the courage to verbalize our stream of thoughts.



So there you have it. Speak slower. Diversify your vocabulary. And free your mind to be in the moment without self-censoring.

As usual, if you have any questions or suggestions, feel free to write to me at: david “at” asianrake.com

Ciao for now,
David

Written by Editorial Staff